Under the Mistletoe
by Rointheta
Summary: The Doctor, Rose, and Jack visit the Christmas planet Cringlelingeringeling, find themselves in the drunk tank after a night out, and get mistaken for Father Christmas and his elves.


_This is the third fic in my 2013 Advent Calendar!_  
**prompt**: "9/Rose with Jack. The doctor is believed to be Father Christmas and Rose/Jack his elves."  
**prompter**: pinkliliflower  
**beta**: resile  
**note**: This fic has a ten/rose sequel, which will be posted tomorrow.

* * *

**UNDER THE MISTLETOE**

* * *

Jack jumped back to avoid the shower of green, frothy drink flowing from the glass swished around by the drunken, gesturing Time Lord.

"Wher'am 'gain?" The Doctor squinted before closing one eye, popping it open as he closed the other. "Jack schtand still."

"You're at The Red-Nosed Reindeer. And I _am_ still."

"Nuh. Bloody bounsch 'round." The Doctor swivelled, his head lolling behind, and he fumbled after Jack's shoulder for support. "Where's Rose? Wee human. Blond." He gestured around his chest. "Pink jumper."

"Yeah, I know who Rose is. I also know she's in a white top today."

"Oh. Uschully pink. Or red. Like red one." The Doctor mimicked zipping a hoodie closed and open. "_Fantastic_. Had a dream 'bout that one."

Jack grinned. "Really? Do tell."

"Nope. Private." He scratched his head. "Where's Rose, then?"

"She's in the restroom."

"Oh. Sch'good. Don'eed that. Big bladder, me." He patted his lower abdomen, then his eyes widened in alarm. "Jack! Rose is gone!"

Jack laughed and slapped the Doctor on the back a few times. "She'll be right out, Doc."

"Findsch trouble like a truffle hog, that one. Can never be too careful." He rocked back on his heels, brow furrowing, finger pointing at something behind Jack. "Hold on. Just remembered smthing."

"Okay?"

"Jack. Listen. Important, this. No Kisching Under the Mis'toe. None."

"Do you mean no _actual_ kissing under the mistletoe, or the drink?" Jack asked, nodding at the glass in the Doctor's hand.

He took a large gulp. "The drink. And the actual kisching! No Rose kisching. Mah Rose," he said, beaming and curling his hand over his right heart. He hiccuped and leaned in closer to Jack, eyes shifting left and right. "Shhh. Don't tell'r I schaid that."

"Okay. I won't. So, I'm gonna make a stab in the dark, here, and guess we shouldn't let you drink a–or _seven_–Kissing Under the Mistletoe. Am I right?"

"Yep. No kischhh… What you schaid."

"And it's because Gallifreyans can't metabolise alcohol when they've also ingested mistletoe and cinnamon, right?"

The Doctor's jaw dropped. "How d'you know?"

"A little birdie told me, oh, six drinks ago. He also said he was so superior that he probably could anyway. I think he might've been trying to impress a certain someone. And here we are!"

The Doctor spun around. "Where?"

"Well, the planet's called Cringlelingeringeling. I think. Yeah, something like that."

"The Csh'planet?"

"The Christmas planet? Yeah. We landed on one of the outer islands, took the ferry and then the sleighbell train to the capital for the Big Christmas Pudding Bake Off, remember? We tasted a few samples, betted on who'd win, stopped by this little tavern for some grub and a drink. I just told you it's called The Red-Nosed Reindeer. Ringing any silver bells?"

"Red… Red, red, red. Rose! Rose?" His eyes flitted about the room, landing on a ficus tree standing in a large pot to his right. "Have you scheen Rose?" he asked it.

"That's a plant, Doc. And Rose is in the restroom, remember? There's usually quite a line at these places. She'll be a while."

"Did she drink this? Poischous for humans."

"Don't worry, Doc. We know it's poisonous."

The Doctor snorted. "Fragile. The lot of you."

"Yeah." Jack rolled his eyes. "So, how are you gonna feel tomorrow, anyway?"

"Eugh. Not good." He shuffled closer to Jack, covering his mouth as he stage whispered, "I might be a bit pisched. Not much, mind. Just a bit."

"No, _I'm_ a bit 'pissed'. You're more hammered than I was back when I was a Time Agent and I had to drink–"

"Oi! You're a Time Agent? Got any schobering up pill? Don't want Rose to see me like thisch."

"Bit too late for that, Doc." Jack chuckled, searching his pockets for his stash of handy pills. He pulled out what he could find, five different pills cradled in his palm. "Yeah, I don't remember which is which, if I'm being honest. Had a little mishap when I transferred everything from my other jacket."

"No problem." The Doctor dismissed Jack's concern with a wave of his hand and wrapped his arm around the ficus tree, inclining his head toward it and saying, "Time Lord, me. Schuperior senses. Wait!" He released the tree and took a step closer to Jack. "S'any of'em aspirin?"

"What the fuck's an aspirin?"

"I take that as a no." He brought his nose down to Jack's hand and took a deep sniff. "Ah. This one," he said, holding up an oblong blue pill. He tossed it into his mouth and washed it down with the rest of his drink. "Be good in no time."

"Famous last words."

The Doctor scoffed, but then his eyes lit up and a silly grin spread on his face. Jack followed his line of sight and saw Rose moving through the crowd, beaming and waving at them.

"Rose," the Doctor said with a happy sigh.

"Blimey! Think I waited for the loo for ten minutes or something." She stroked the Doctor's arm. "How are you?"

"Fantastic, now you'ere." He giggled. Jack made a double take and, yes, the Doctor actually _did_ giggle. "Misched you."

"Okay… That's…nice." Rose narrowed her eyes at Jack. "Did you let him drink more whilst I was gone?"

"Maybe one or two."

"Jack!"

"What? He said he can handle it," Jack said, grinning.

"Ooh! Schnacks!" The Doctor grabbed a handful of clay pellets from the tree's pot and tossed them in the air, catching less than half in his mouth while the rest fell to the floor. "Mmm."

"Oh, my god!" Rose pried open his mouth with her index finger and brushed them out. "You'll destroy your teeth if you try and eat those, you idiot. We're going back to the TARDIS now and you're going to bed!"

The Doctor grimaced. "M'fine. Even made a new friend! Look. See!" He nodded at the ficus tree. "People person, me. Think he'd make a good c'panion. Would you like t'come with us? See schpace? And time!" The Doctor made swooshing sound effects as he shot his hand through the air.

Rose looked at Jack, blinked, and burst out laughing. "Well, can't say it's the first time I've seen him hit it off with a tree. C'mon, then, Doctor." She proffered him her arm. "We're going home. And the plant stays here."

The Doctor hummed, smiling at her, eyes droopy. "Anything you say, Rose."

"Yeah? Have a feeling that tune will change as soon as you sober up. C'mon then."

* * *

.

* * *

Jack watched Rose stirring in her sleep, cradled in the arms of the Doctor, his long beard draped over her shoulder and chest. She blinked her eyes open and crinkled her nose. The cell had a mouldy stench none of them had noticed last night, but now, as it blended with the odor of hangover and flatulence, it overpowered Jack's senses and, considering the tortured look on her pale face, most likely Rose's too.

"Morning, Jack. Why are you on the floor?"

"The Doc didn't want me to share the bed with you."

"Oh." She stretched out with a yawn, but stopped mid through it and stared down on her chest. "What the…?"

"Yeah." He laughed. "I think I accidentally gave the Doc an aliasmitin yesterday."

"A what?"

"It's a pill developed by the Time Agency. It lets you grow out your facial hair really quickly in case you need a disguise more solid than a fake beard. I think it might've…" He chuckled and shook his head. "Well, let's just say someone's superior physiology made it extra effective."

She pinched the beard and lifted it up in the air, inspecting it. "But it's white! Why's his beard white?"

"Yeah, it's an effect of the pill. Changes the color, too. Look at his hair."

Rose shifted around, careful in her movement as though she didn't want to disturb the Doctor, and covered her mouth as she laughed. "Oh, god. He looks like…"

"Yeah, he really does. Just need a good belly."

"Hold on. Why are we in a cell, anyway?" she asked, scratching her head.

"Drunk tank. On our way back, the Doc found another bar that specialized in banana flavored drinks. We spent an hour in there, and you got a bit drunk, too. He, uhm…" Jack chuckled. "You two got a bit…cozy."

"What?" Her cheeks turned red. "In what way?"

"Nothing like that. Just really cute. You know. Feeding each other banana bits and sharing drinks with two straws. He kept buying them, and you got so fucking _wasted_," Jack said, big grin on his face.

"Yeah, I can feel that. Blimey, my head hurts. You have anything that's not aliasmints in your pockets? Don't much fancy waking up with a beard."

"Aliasmitin. And no, I don't really have anything."

"Maybe we should wa–"

"Rise and shine, prisoners. There's– Oh, holy hooves of Rudolph!" The two and a half meter tall, pale blue prison guard standing outside their cell, gawking at them through the bars, turned his head to call over his shoulder, eyes locked on the Doctor. "Carola? What in the name of all the precious snowflakes in the sky did you do last night?"

The equally tall, but green-skinned, officer who'd arrested Jack and the others strolled up to the guard, cast a glance into the cell, and froze in shock, mouth hanging open.

"Oh, my. Oh, my-my-my. This is _not_ good."

"You've arrested Father Christmas!"

"I've arrested Father Christmas."

"And his elves!" The prison guard pointed at Jack and Rose.

"And his elves." Carola crinkled her brow. "He's awfully short, though. Always imagined Father Christmas to be over three meters, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah, so did I."

"Well, then. What the hell are you two waiting for?" Rose bore her eyes into them. "Let us out of here this instant! D'you know how upset he'll be? We were on our way to, uhm, to…"

"A convention," Jack said.

Rose gave him a funny look and he shrugged, apologetic smile on his face. "Yeah…" she said. "A Christmas convention."

"He's signing autographs and taking photos with kids. That whole thing."

Rose nodded. "Yeah, yeah. They'll queue and sit in his lap and wish stuff."

The guard gasped, touching his chest. "Oh. The poor children. Can't keep them waiting" He scrambled with his keys to open the cell door, but Carola stopped him.

"Wait a minute, Runar. What kind of justice are we keeping, here? Yeah, this is Father Christmas, I'll give you that. But he broke the law. He was drunk and disorderly, and urinated on the grand Christmas tree in town, for peppermint's sake."

"He did _what_?" Rose looked at Jack, brow knitted, and he nodded. "Really?"

"That's desecration of a sacred object, so… I mean, my hands are tied, here. Unless…"

"Unless? I like the sound of unless," Rose said.

"Well. My sister-in-law runs an orphanage. Just down the block," Carola said. "They were having a Christmas celebration today, but the people supposed to play, well, you guys, got food poisoning. She called me maybe an hour ago, in tears, because they need to find a replacement quickly, but… I mean, got the real deal here. And… It's not like I'd want to keep those kids at the convention waiting, but… You know. _Orphans_." Carola gave them a pointed look. "So, if you could do that, I suppose I could let you all go. We have the toys! No need to go back to the North Pole to get more. We have clothes, too. Since you're…in casual wear. I didn't know you guys did that whole thing."

"Oh, right. Look at you, guys!" Runar smiled. "It looks good! Could never have guessed you're really elves."

"Thanks." Rose smiled back. "We don't actually have the, uhm, the reindeers here, though. So, we'd have to… Not do that whole thing. Just, you know, the regular…stuff. With the lap and the… What exactly had you planned?"

"Yeah, yeah! The lap. Sitting in the lap, and then the elves would hand out gifts and candy."

"Well. Sounds like–"

"Rose, please shut your lovely mouth. My head's killing me." The Doctor grunted and hid his head under his pillow.

"Uhm… D— Father? You need to get up now, thanks."

He peered at her from under the pillow. "What did you just call me? Am I having a nightmare?" He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbed them, and opened them again. "Ah. Not a dream."

"Oh, he's awake! Father Christmas is awake!" Runar jumped up and down, clapping his hands. "Oh, your excellency, we're so honoured to have you here. And we apologise for the misunderstanding. We never should've locked you up. I hope…" A purple blush coloured his cheeks. "I hope this doesn't mean we'll get coal in our stockings–"

"Quiet, you!" Carola elbowed him in the side, then turned to the Doctor. "Sir, you of all people should know that actions have consequences. Someone does something bad? You give coal. We incarcerate. That's just the way things work. However, we've had a conversation with your very nice and-and friendly elves, here, and they said it would be okay that you–"

"What did you promise them?" The Doctor narrowed his eyes at his companions. "And why is everyone calling me–" Rose grabbed his beard and gave it a yank. He yelped and tugged it out of her grasp, eyes widening in understanding. "Aliasmitin?" he asked Jack.

"Yep!"

"Ah."

"Taken one before?"

The Doctor grumbled something under his breath, and Jack's face split into a wide smile, quiet chuckles escaping him.

"We'll fetch you proper garments, sir. Are you in need of showers?" Carola sniffed. "You do smell. All the way over here. Yes, I think showers are in order. We have barely half an hour before you need to be at the orphanage, so we better chop-chop."

"Orphanage?"

"We'll tell you all about it in the shower," Jack said.

"Uhm, about that shower. Do we all have to– Is it…?" Rose shrugged with one shoulder, corners of her mouth turned down as she shook her head looked at Carola in question.

"Co-ed? Sure is!"

"Oh. Fun."

"Don't worry, Rose. We won't look. _Much_." Jack waggled his eyebrows, but stopped as the Doctor growled at him. "Okay, okay. We won't look at all."

"Oh, whatever. You've all seen a naked body before." She glanced at the Doctor. "I think… Right?"

"Of course I have! I'm a doctor!"

"You're a doctor?" Runar gaped at him. "_Doctor_ Father Christmas?"

"Yeah, 'course he is. How d'you think we get any medical care in the North Pole?" Rose said.

"Ooooh. I always assumed you had special elves dedicated to that. Like toy making elves, stable elves, cooking elves, cleaning elves…"

"Yeah, and candle making elves," Carola said. "Snow shoveling elves. Probably bard elves, too, right? For entertainment. Or do you get TV over there?"

"Oi! Shut your fly trap! And bring me some bloody pain killers. No aspirin!"

Runar blanched and recoiled, pressing himself up against the wall.

"Bad Santa!" Rose said, jutting a finger at the Doctor and grinning to Jack, looking pleased about what she said. He didn't understand the joke, but smiled back and did a thumbs up. Rose turned to Runar. "I'm so sorry about him. Someone poisoned him last night and he's been acting weird ever since."

"Ginger snaps! Poisoning Father Christmas?! Who'd ever do such a thing?"

"A-a…grinch?"

Carola sucked in a sharp breath, hand flying to the communication device on her hip. "What? Where? This is very serious. You need to give me a full witness report."

Jack started chortling as Rose cursed under her breath and furrowed her brow. "Uhm… He left. He took our reindeers and sleigh, and left! But… We've called the…"

"Judoon," Jack said. "They're on it. No need to involve yourself in that. The grinch is offworld. Our sleigh travels through time and space, you know."

Runar made a few chirping noises, ears waggling. "Ooh! I always did believe that. I can't wait to tell my sister. She's always said–"

"Excuse me." The Doctor glared at them. "Pain killers? Showers? Weren't we in a hurry?"

"Right. Yes. Follow me, sir."

* * *

.

* * *

Jack had, just like the Doctor, kept his eyes on the wall while Rose stood under the shower opposite theirs in the rectangular, white shower room. They didn't turn around again until they'd all wrapped themselves in towels, then rushed out to the locker room and changed into their clothing. Nothing fit well, but with some jiggery pokery with the sonic screwdriver, a sewing kit, a pair of scissors, and a pillow from the cell to give the Doctor a proper belly, they soon looked the part and made their way to the orphanage.

Rose and Jack had started feeling better after the shower, but the Doctor's grumpy mood lingered. He did his best, polite smile plastered on his face as he tried to focus on the kid on his lap talking about what they wanted for Christmas, but the tension never left his shoulders and his complexion remained waxen. He rubbed at his temples every chance he got, and sighed every time his eyes drifted to the long line of children waiting for their turn.

Jack noticed Rose casting concerned looks at the Doctor but, since they barely had a free moment as they handed out gifts and sweets, answered a bunch of questions about what kind of life one led as an elf, and ooh'ed andaah'ed as they children opened their presents and showed off their toys, they couldn't focus on his well-being. Two more hours passed before the line stopped and the three space-and-time travelers could relax. The Doctor stayed on his throne, but pulled off his hat, scratching his white, thick hair and breathing out in relief.

"So, Santa Baby," Jack said, quirking an eyebrow and running his fingers over the armrest of the throne, "there's no need to hurry down the chimney tonight. I'd much rather have you _up_ my chimney."

The Doctor grunted and Rose released a sharp, breathy guffaw, shaking her head at Jack.

"How you holding up, Doctor?"

"Bloody headache won't go away. Need to get back to the TARDIS for some proper pain killers."

"Let's go, then?"

"Yeah, can't wait to shave off this–"

"Hello, sorry for interrupting your conversation, sir." The orphanage matron bowed before them. "There are a few children left."

"What? How big is this place?"

"It's the biggest and best orphanage on the planet!" The matron shot them a proud grin. "We've won prizes."

The Doctor sighed. "Go on, then. Send them in. But make it fast, will you?"

"Uhm, I'm so sorry, sir, but I can't send them in. They're in the clinic."

"They're all sick?" Rose asked. "Sick and waiting for Santa?"

"Yes, that's right, elf. It's the building across the yard. Not far at all. I… I wasn't gonna ask you at first. Carola told me you're feeling a bit under the weather, but… Well, you see, word got out and now the children are all–"

"Of course we'll go there. Right?"

"Yeah!" Jack said.

The Doctor sighed, heavier this time, but smiled. "Yeah. How could we say no to that?"

They spent another hour visiting and cheering up the sick children, seeing their eyes sparkle and faces beam as they received their treats, and once the trio finally walked out of the building to get to the TARDIS, the Doctor winced at the bright winter wonderland around them, moaning and once more rubbing his temples.

"Oh, Doctor. How are we supposed to get back to the TARDIS when you feel like this?"

"I'm fine, Rose. Just keep moving."

Crinkling her forehead in concern, she grabbed his arm and slung it around her shoulders. Jack did the same, and together they helped the Doctor walk down to the train station with his eyes closed. Although they'd changed back into their regular clothing, people passing by gave the Doctor curious looks, but his state seemed to keep them at bay, and they soon reached their destination. After reading the timetable, they learned that they had to wait for twenty minutes before the next train departed. The winter chill bit their noses and cheeks, but the Doctor needed fresh air and he and Rose stayed huddled together on the platform, while Jack popped inside to buy them something warm to drink. When he came back a few minutes later, three hot chocolates in his hands, he noticed something hanging right over the others' heads from the small roof protecting the platform.

He walked up to them, smile stretching from one ear to the other. "So, have you guys noticed where you're standing?" They looked around, confusion written on their faces. "Up."

Directing their eyes upward, their already rosey cheeks reddened as they noticed the mistletoe. They sprung apart and Rose fiddled with her earring, eyes averted, as the Doctor huffed.

"Never mind that. You lot, you humans, decide to explore space, and what do you do? Spread your silly little ape customs about believing in a fat man breaking and entering by forcing himself down a chimney, stuffing your bellies until you burst, and kissing whoever you happen to find under a twig. It holds no significance to your insignificant little lives. And nothing dangerous happens if you dare to break the tradition, and yet you insis–"

Now smiling, Rose cut him off by grabbing ahold of his beard. "Blimey, Santa. You protest a lot."

She tugged his head down and pressed her lips to his, angling her head as she released his beard to cup his cheek. The Doctor's eyes flew wide open, ears turning pink, but then he relaxed and closed his eyes, arms hanging by his sides, hands clenching.

Rose pulled back and patted his cheek. "Wasn't so bad, was it?"

The Doctor sniffed, shrugged, and folded his arms across his chest, looking at the direction where the train would roll in. She rolled her eyes and took the cup Jack handed to her as he moved toward the Doctor to give him his.

"Hot chocolate, Doc?"

He raised his eyebrows, eyes much brighter than before, face no longer pallid. "Thanks, big fella." The Doctor took a sip and hummed. "Good, this. Just what I needed."

"Mhm." Jack smirked. "You look much better already, actually."

"Yep. The triglycerides in chocolate are great for Gallifreyans."

"Uh-huh, I'm sure they are."

"Just be careful who you give it to, Jack. Some consider it a proposal. Wouldn't want you to have to tie yourself down."

"Nah, I'd rather you tie me up."

"That can be arranged."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll tie you up and then Rose and me can go off somewhere, having fun in peace without– What was it Ricky called you? The Captain of the Innuendo Squad."

"Yeah, you'd like that, huh."

"Oh, incoming!" Rose pointed at the red sleighbell train making its way down the tracks. "Maybe you should take a kip once we're seated?"

"Nah. No need." The Doctor beamed. "Feel fantastic." He held out his arm so Rose could loop hers around it, and she skipped by his side as they walked over to the cart where they had their seats. "Oi, you coming?" the Doctor called over his shoulder as he and Rose boarded the train.

"Yeah!" Jack said, laughing to himself. "Triglycerides, my ass."

* * *

**the end**


End file.
